So They Never Doubt
by LogicalGoth
Summary: Spock is leaving the Enterprise, not because he wants to but because he must.   M-preg & Slash  Note: Spock might be Out of Character  Don't Own!


He looked at the PADD, once more going over all the information, making sure nothing was misspelled, no 'i's were left un-dotted, 't's uncrossed, or anything that might cause his final report to be sent back and his leaving prolonged. Signing at the bottom of the document, Spock sent it to headquarters before turning off placing the tablet down.

The Vulcan allowed his eyes to scan his quarters. The deep red of the walls remained, but all other tokens have been long since taken down. Boxes now littered the corners of the rooms, neatly packed and moved as to not cause obstruction. Artifacts of a home, which no longer exists, a culture and population decimated by a mad man carefully packaged and tucked away to cases specifically designed for fragile care. All that he has left of Vulcan, should now be on New Vulcan safely encased until he arrived and began to set up his new home to his... "_their"_ liking.

Home. Spock allowed the small ache in his side to rest there. It would not be home, it likely will never be home. Home was where Jim was. Home was the Enterprise, where James T. Kirk was his captain, his friend, his lover. "_T'hy'la_" echoed in the deep recesses of his mind, but he shook the thought away. The endearment would only cause him to double think his decision, and he could not do that. Not when Jim did not want restrictions, did not want to be tied down, did not want a future consisting of bonding and family.

The many dreams Spock had foolishly allowed his human side to have, to let free, of Jim by his side, while they grew old were an impossible reach.

Glancing on the solitary picture that remained on his shelf, Spock allowed the conversation which led to this choice come to mind.

_They had had this discussion many times before, albeit not as in depth. Together, Captain and First Officer told each other of what they wanted in the future. Promotion, adventure, recognition. Jim wanted success, to be remembered not for the actions of his father and the saving of Earth, but for being a capable leader, who accomplished the impossible and was the best Starfleet Captain, the fleet ever had. _

_Peace, love, children. Spock never spoke of these things. How could he when Jim was so adamant against settling down, against having children. _

_"I don't want kids Spock, never have, never will. It's not that I don't like them. They're great. Without kids, there wouldn't be adults, so they are kind of necessary. But I don't want them for me. Too much commitment, too much permanence, too much restriction. Kids need you. Need you to be there, need you to help, need you to survive. If you can't or don't want to give up everything for your children then you shouldn't have them. And me? I don't want to have to give up the stars, or the Enterprise. I lived with a woman who tried to have both, for a mom. I don't resent her for it. It was worth a shot, and I understand the call of space. It's addicting, it's intoxicating, and you don't want to give it up. _

_But understanding it doesn't change the fact that I didn't before, that it hurt to look out into the crowds during a production and not see her there. I won't put a child through that. The only way I could have a child and stay in Star Fleet would be to either leave the kid down there while I'll go on fiver year missions where I can be killed and rarely ever see them or be grounded and take a position as a paper pusher or instructor. Neither of which are going to happen."_

_It wasn't until months later that Spock within the privacy of his own quarters approached the subject again, this time with an actual investment in the cause. But nothing would persuade him. Nothing would change his mind. _

_"I said no, Spock!" Jim had snapped, fist clenched, jaw tight. _

_The silence that rested between them was thick and tense. Spock not wanting to anger Jim further but also not being able to leave the subject alone. Jim frustrated that he wouldn't let the topic go. _

_A com from Scotty broke the tension. Jim was needed down in engineering, before they could start any renovations. _

_Breaking the connection, Jim sighed. Looking once last time at Spock, his Captain turned to leave the room. _

_Had it been left at that, Spock would have never considered the idea of leaving. If it had only been that Spock, could have gone on trying to convince Jim otherwise. But it hadn't been just that. And the next blow was too much for even he as a Vulcan could handle. _

_Before Jim walked through the door he paused, briefly looking over his shoulder than back to the door._

_"I don't want kids Spock. That isn't going to change. If you want one so badly, then ask someone else to have and raise them with you. Because I refuse to." _

_Although he knew it was impossible, it felt as if all the air had left his body. Spock stood frozen as he watched Jim walk out of the room._

He remembered the moments after. He remembered as his legs gave out from underneath him, causing him to crumble to the floor. He remembered the gut wrenching sobs wreck through his body causing it to tremble as he attempted to restrain noise from emitting from his mouth. Remembered being unable to catch his breath long enough to calm down or to drive away the black spots forming in his vision.

He remembered having to emergency com Dr. McCoy, who came barreling through his door not three minutes later, Ensign Chekov in tow. The boy had apparently been in the middle of a physical when the call had been made, and dashed alongside the CMO to reach his Commander.

It took a few tries for the two to calm him down enough to breathe properly, without breaking into another sob. He felt an illogical rush of embarrassment and shame run through, him despite knowing that a change in hormone levels were the cause of this episode and it was not under his control.

After that, Chekov and the Doctor were the only ones who knew what happened, what had caused it. They promised not to mention anything to Jim.

A month after the event in his quarters, it became evident that things had become strained between Jim and him. The idea to leave, had already been festering in his mind since the night of their conversation, but it was not until two weeks ago, when he watched his captain lean in to whisper something into an ambassador assistant's ear, with the familiar smirk of his face, that the half-Vulcan made the final choice.

Reporting to head quarters was difficult. Admiral Pike wanted a detailed explanation as to why he was leaving the Enterprise, leaving Starfleet so suddenly. _L_e_aving Jim_ was not spoken but it hung between them loud and clear. It was no secret that Chris Pike favored Jim, it was no secret that he looked at Jim as a son.

However, Spock offered no other explanation. They could not deny his request, not without valid reason. Before signing off, Admiral Nogura had offered a position as captain to a new flagship which was set to deploy at the end of the Enterprise's five year mission, however it was declined. Although Spock would not have minded, he could not have anything else to do with Starfleet. Not if he wanted to be away from Jim. Nogura had accepted his response, and ensured him a place in Starfleet, "Should you ever want it Mr. Spock, a position for you will always be open." Spock had thanked him for it, and that was that.

Packing all his thing had taken time, the most important of his possessions left before he did. The rest would be sent after he arrived on the colony.

Spock looked around his quarters one last time, to ensure anything that needed to leave with him now, was not left behind, before walking out of his rooms for the last time. Mr. Scott, had ensured him that everything would be sent within a week's time. Besides Mr. Chekov and Dr. McCoy, the Scottish man was the only other person who knew of the situation. Between the four of them, they were able to devise a plan to keep Jim busy.

At the moment, the good Doctor was out on shore leave with the other Bridge officers. The only exception is Mr. Scott, who was personally sending him off.

"The shuttle is ready Commander."

The half Vulcan blinked at the Scotsman, before nodding.

He made his way to the shuttle before pausing, "Thank you for this, Mr. Scott, and there is no need to call me Commander. As of this moment, I am of civilian status. You may call me Spock"

The man snorted. "Ay. But you will always be Commander Spock, even if y'are n'longer in the Fleet."

Spock nodded, before entering the small craft, designed to take him to the colony.

"Mr. Spock."

He looked at the engineer.

"Have a safe journey and if ya can, keep in contact."

The former First Officer of the USS Enterprise stared at him for a moment before nodding.

"The same goes to you Mr. Scott."

The craft left the Enterprise and drifted away, the coordinated already set on autopilot, allowing Spock time to think.

He watched the Enterprise as he moved further away. The ache he had felt before came back, intensifying as he grew further away from the ship. Away from Jim.

Tears weld in his eyes, and in the privacy of the shuttle craft he let them fall.

Bending slightly, he rested a hand on his still flat stomach, S'chn T'gai Spock, son of Ambassador Sarek of Vulcan and Amanda Greyson, whispered silenly. "I love you, Little Ones."

He would get through this. His mother moved away from the place she called home, for his father, for him. He would do the same.

His children would know how it feels to be loved, shown love, and to love. If this meant that he had to leave the place he finally felt at home at, leave Jim and never let him know of the creations they made together, then so it must be.

They will never have to doubt their parent's love for them. Never doubt that Jim didn't love them, and had never wanted them. Of this... of this Spock is sure.


End file.
